Get Out of My Head

I know what’s rattling around in my brain.

I know it all too well. My thoughts ruminate on a constant hamster wheel. What I could have said, should have said, or wish I could go back and say.

Every move I make is analyzed and over analyzed until I want to vomit.

Some people call it worrying and some people call it anxiety.

I love to write. I have written in various forms throughout my life from newspapers to gossip columns. The problem that I have recently run into is my anxiety acting as a block for my thoughts. I can barely decide to write before the monster asks me who even wants to read this blubber anyway? Who am I to think I can write a piece worthy of others eyes?

My purpose of this Medium platform is to just begin to write again. I recently started attending therapy and the term “free journaling” comes up quite often. My therapist has this idea that I should write out whatever comes to me and then just look at it and let it be.

Letting things be has never been my strong suit. I excel in my career because I am prepped for every possible disaster. I am the one they call when everything falls apart because I have already thought of six ways to solve the non-existent problem.This is a wonderful trait to have for my career. For normal every day life it’s like a death trap. Always thinking of what I will say and what response that could elicit and then how I will respond.

People are not robots so trying to predict their behavior can be a challenge to say the least. Writing has always been an area where I can be honest with myself and with complete strangers. So here is to honesty, free journaling, and getting off the hamster wheel. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up on a Llama’s treadmill.

Join me on the journey if you will.