Undeserving

The congratulations ring in my head

Each email with the exclamation points at the end

They tell me I’m worthy

They tell me I am enough

So why do I feel like I have to be so tough

When on the inside I am crumbling

Falling apart brick by brick

My mindset is shaking

This is not mine for the taking

I am undeserving

When I was eleven I stole scissors from art class

In the eleventh grade I made choices I regret

Stupid things done at a stupid age

I have punished myself ever since

Wondering if God forgives me

For my stupidity and ignorance

I think he does

Yet I cannot seem to forgive myself

My mistakes are on repeat

A blockbuster sell out

How do I love myself when all I see are flaws

Other people tell me I deserve what I have gotten

The awards, scholarships, jobs, and good fortune

All of it has been dropped in my lap

I say that but I know it is a lie

Late nights and buckets of tears

Sweatpants and water on Saturday nights

I pour my heart and soul into what I want

Competing only against the devil in my mind

Fear rears it’s ugly head much too often

Validation is never enough

When will I love myself

When will I become deserving

Freedom is making choices and believing in them

I am inside my own prison

Constantly second guessing

Misjudging

Wondering

Who am I

Am I enough

What do they think

Are they happy

Am I happy

Should I be happy

When will I be happy

Who am I

Deserving?