Undeserving
The congratulations ring in my head
Each email with the exclamation points at the end
They tell me I’m worthy
They tell me I am enough
So why do I feel like I have to be so tough
When on the inside I am crumbling
Falling apart brick by brick
My mindset is shaking
This is not mine for the taking
I am undeserving
When I was eleven I stole scissors from art class
In the eleventh grade I made choices I regret
Stupid things done at a stupid age
I have punished myself ever since
Wondering if God forgives me
For my stupidity and ignorance
I think he does
Yet I cannot seem to forgive myself
My mistakes are on repeat
A blockbuster sell out
How do I love myself when all I see are flaws
Other people tell me I deserve what I have gotten
The awards, scholarships, jobs, and good fortune
All of it has been dropped in my lap
I say that but I know it is a lie
Late nights and buckets of tears
Sweatpants and water on Saturday nights
I pour my heart and soul into what I want
Competing only against the devil in my mind
Fear rears it’s ugly head much too often
Validation is never enough
When will I love myself
When will I become deserving
Freedom is making choices and believing in them
I am inside my own prison
Constantly second guessing
Misjudging
Wondering
Who am I
Am I enough
What do they think
Are they happy
Am I happy
Should I be happy
When will I be happy
Who am I
Deserving?