Why You Need to Stop Calling Women Independent; We Are Not.

An independent woman has become the thing of rap songs.

This idea of a woman who makes her own money, shakes her ass when she wants to, and does essentially whatever her heart desires. The other day a guy that I was interested in asked me to have sex with him. I said no, that is not something I am interested in. I am interested in dating not hooking up at this point.

His response was to say “I know you are an independent woman and I respect that. I respect you and I just wanted to see how you would respond.”

You are an independent woman. I reject that notion. I reject the idea that I can be labeled as “independent”. The term independent woman asserts that there is a dependent woman. Worse than that his statement that he respects me because I denied him sex assumes that I am dependent if I had said yes to him.

Women have historically been treated as less then. We all know that right? Hopefully we all know that women did not get the right to vote until the 1900’s and all of that wonderful history.

When we label women as independent it is an attempt to continue to control women and their actions. If a woman depends on a man in a marriage she is deemed a dependent woman. If we had to pay women for all of the “second shift” work they do within our homes our entire economy would collapse (if you do not believe me click here (https://www.everydaysociologyblog.com/2015/02/the-second-shift-and-workplace-policies.html).

I am a direct person and I say exactly how I feel and what I mean. I never beat around the bush and I am up front with men on what I am looking for. I have been called “independent” more times than I can count. This term is used as if it is an insult. As if I am some strange being, like a unicorn, who happens to have opinions that are voiced in public.

Why can I not just be a woman?

A woman without any adjective in front of what I am. An independent woman as I have been told is a woman who speaks her mind to men. Someone who works hard for what they have and (gasp) might even be obtaining an advanced degree. Men have constantly told me that my graduate degree will be a moot point when I am married. My career is my passion and somehow that makes me independent.

I have never once heard anyone tell a man he is “independent”. There are no groups of bros in the bar screaming “Yeah bro you go!! You are an independent man who needs no woman!” Or maybe I am frequenting the wrong bars.

I reject the notion of independence because it is automatically both a put down and an insult to myself and all women. Women who do depend on men for income or support in some way are assumed to contribute nothing. Economic support is not the only form of support yet when a woman cradles the baby that has been screaming with colic for the last six days while the man sleeps so he can go to work tomorrow her contribution is somehow less than his.

I do not have to get on top of a shirtless man wearing nothing but a bedazzled pair of underwear and some nip tassels to be considered a fully autonomous adult. If that is what some women choose to do to assert their autonomy than my power goes out to them. However, I am so over the assumption that my intelligence and my ambition somehow make me the “other” within my gender class.

Men have the upper hand in society. They do not have to carry pepper spray on their key chains, hold their purses tighter in the parking lot, call their moms when they walk to their car at night, or attempt to gain respect in every board room they walk into.

But we do.

While I know that the man I am interested in meant independent woman as a compliment it did not feel like when. Before you take issue with that statement I would like to give a reminder that impact versus intent is a very real concept.

While his intent may have been good his impact was shitty and he may respect me, but I respect him less. I plan on going on the date this week, but rest assured I will express my rejection of that term.

Women are neither independent or dependent. We are women. If you want to call a woman an adjective from now on try saying what a powerful woman she is, what an ambitiously driven woman she is, what a strong woman she is, but do not dare utter the word independent.